Jealousy and Intimacy
by LilMisSarcasm
Summary: Bellamy and Clarke may not be together, but that doesn't mean Lexa can't be jealous of the way Clarke's entire focus seems to revolve around him...


Hey guys! So here it is! My second attempt at Bellarke fanfiction. So for the purposes of this story, Lexa is around for all the scenes mentioned.

Disclaimer: I don't own The 100 or any of its characters! Just love Bellarke and want them to be together forever and have beautiful badass babies.

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Lexa knew she spent too much time observing Clarke Griffin. There was something about her that drew the eye; perhaps her hair that was like spun gold or the emotion in her expressive blue eyes. Whatever it was, Lexa enjoyed observing the Sky People's commander. She enjoyed the way Clarke handled the questions of those who deemed themselves superior to her; with an interesting mix of deference to their authority and confidence in her own knowledge and experience. She liked watching when Clarke thought she was alone and sighed to herself tiredly or let herself rest her head against the nearest surface, closing her eyes for but a moment before returning to her duties. She even took pleasure in the rough, yet steady friendship between Clarke and the Raven girl, enjoying their heated disagreements and affectionate banter.

The more Lexa watched Clarke, the more she also ended up watching the boy they called Bellamy Blake. Whenever Lexa was around, Bellamy was never far from Clarke, almost always within shouting distance. As a result, Lexa was often watching them both instead of just Clarke. Although observing _their_ interactions did not particularly bring her any pleasure, Lexa couldn't seem to tear her eyes away from the two.

Impartial to him as she was, Lexa wasn't blind. Any fool could see that Bellamy Blake was wildly pleasing to the eye. And Clarke was no fool, she must have noticed it as well. But their interactions were never as obvious as a smile or a touch. If anything, it seemed like they made a pointed and glaringly obvious effort never to touch, keeping a respectable distance between them that made her even more curious than she would have been had they just brushed each other's arms every now and then. But as strange and as obscure as some of their habits were, others were obvious. Like the uncharacteristic affection with which he called her Princess and her uncharacteristic acceptance of both his affection and the hated nickname. Like the trust, whole and absolute, of their every action and the solid weight of their every glance.

The first time Lexa met Clarke, Commander of the Sky People, she was strong-willed, confident, pushing for a truce that was as unlikely as it was necessary. The first time she saw Bellamy, she was at the dropship to see Lincoln dead from the drug he was given to be made a Reaper. Bellamy knelt by his side, comforting a brown haired girl weeping over Lincoln's body, and Lexa only saw the side of his face as he and Clarke exchanged one of their looks, loaded with meaning and understood only by the two of them.

_Be ready._

_We may be about to die._

_We'll be fine._

_Octavia will be fine._

Before any more thought could be given to the two, Clarke's mother surprised them all, shocking Lincoln back to life. As Lincoln breathed once more, Lexa's passing curiosity about this _Bellamy_ was dismissed. He was just another foot soldier. She had plenty where the likes of him came from.

Then Lexa demanded Finn as a condition of the peace between their people, making it clear that this point was not for debate. They said Finn was the boy Clarke loved, a fact known by all and hidden from none since the massacre he performed in her name. Her love for him was unspoken, yet clear in the way she fought for his life, in the agony and desperation of her every move to protect him. Odd though, how the only one she trusted with Finn's safety was once again the mysterious Bellamy. Throughout the entirety of the ordeal, Bellamy and Clarke stood side by side and moved as one in every respect. Both the beauty and the absurdity of their synchronicity astounded as well as impressed her. They seemed to know their roles without the necessity for thought, speech or question; her the fighter, the negotiator, eventually the mercy-killer and him the comforter, the protector of the one they called Raven as Finn's short life was ended by the one he loved.

The day Lexa accepts that Bellamy has earned his place by Clarke's side is the day Gustus poisons himself to ensure the alliance between the Sky People and the Tree People never comes to pass. It is the only time when Bellamy and Clarke are in each other's presence, but barely communicate, even with one of their loaded glances. Clarke is in so much pain that she embraces numbness in its stead, unable to grieve her lover until her work is done and unable to comfort her friend who blames her for Finn's death. Bellamy's unease at being unable to be at her side is clear, but he accepts his duty as Raven's comfort, knowing that was where Clarke needed him to be. Yet when Gustus falls onto the table, frothing at the mouth, he is the first to react, knocking Clarke's glass out of her hand. In a roomful of people who would have protected Clarke (her mother was there after all, as was her friend Raven and Councilor Kane), he seems almost grateful for the chance to leap to where he belongs; right in front of her, protecting her from those who intended her harm. Strong and confident as she is, even she seems equally grateful for his proximity; happy to accept his protection if it gave her an excuse cling desperately to him, still shouting her defense of the Sky People.

When Clarke deduces a way to prove Raven's innocence, Bellamy is quick to run to her side, knowing that it might mean both their deaths. He catches up to her thinking so quickly that he is the one who sees Gustus's treason in its entirety. Even as Lexa's mind moves to the next problem, she finally sees why Clarke keeps Bellamy close. They make each other better, which makes them stronger together than apart. Lexa remembers this, just in case.

It is because Lexa chooses to remember this that she is surprised when Clarke sends Bellamy away to Mount Weather. It was the only time that Lexa felt compelled to ask Clarke for clarification on her and Bellamy's relationship. Clarke is clearly haunted by Finn, the boy she loved. But what she felt for Bellamy seemed much more complex, much more layered and much deeper than even Clarke seemed able to understand. When Clarke comes into Lexa's tent, saying that Bellamy was setting off to be their 'inside man' in Mount Weather, Lexa tilts her head, the only outward sign of her confusion.

"Bellamy?" she asks. "This is a delicate task, but surely there are others you could send who are less…valuable to you?"

"Bellamy offered. I disagreed at the time but I realize now that I was being weak. He leaves at first light. Lincoln will get him in through the tunnels." The whole speech was given so dispassionately that something clicks into place in Lexa's mind.

"This wouldn't have anything to do with what I said earlier about Costia, would it? That love is a weakness that we cannot afford in this coming war?"

Clarke turns away, her face blank. "I'm doing what's best for my people and not letting my emotions get in my way."

Lexa made herself comfortable at the table that held her maps, saying, "I'm merely saying, that when I told you _love_ is a weakness, the first person you sent away is Bellamy. What does that tell you?"

Clarke's silence is telling, but Lexa chooses not to push her into revealing any more of her heart than she already had. Knowing that she had chosen to ignore it was a sign that she would become a stronger commander and a better leader to her people. One who wasn't plagued by things as mundane as _love_. Lexa couldn't help but feel pride that her prodding had created the desired effect.

For a while Clarke seems fine, headstrong as always and charging forward into whatever battles she faces, whether against violent animals or violent Tree People wanting her dead. In that time, Lexa allows herself to enjoy Bellamy's increasing distance from Clarke. She watches the dichotomy of Clarke managing not to flinch when she says Bellamy's name, but having complete and utterly blind faith that he would manage to complete his mission. She forges on with whatever needs to be done and Lexa sees the reason the Sky People follow Clarke Griffin. It is then that Lexa admits to herself that the reason she watches Clarke so much may be more than just curiosity, more than admiration of a fellow leader.

Lexa happens to be visiting Camp Jaha when Bellamy makes contact from Mount Weather. This is one conversation that Bellamy and Clarke cannot cheat away with those looks of theirs and somehow Lexa isn't sure whether or not she was grateful to have been privy to what it was like to watch them talk with actual words. Clarke's face floods with relief at the sound of his voice and she hesitantly says his name like a caress and an apology and a plea for forgiveness for sending him away. All Bellamy says is her name, surprise and joy and absolution lacing his voice, and it is the first time, in the midst of war and uncertainty and pain, that Lexa _ever_ sees Clarke smile. They waste no time with pleasantries beyond a sincere "Are you all right?" and return to the business at hand. But behind every word they said to each other was an undeniable…gravity. Like each word means more than it actually does, as long as it was the other they were saying it to. When Bellamy conveys a message from Maya that is clearly from him, Lexa watches as Clarke reins in a laugh, _a laugh_, that tugs at her lips, holding on tight to the radio as though Bellamy would be able to feel her touch through it. When Clarke's entire face softens as she tells Bellamy she knew he'd come through, Lexa catches Raven's gaze. Raven has an eyebrow raised and a smirk on her lips that suggests she wasn't the only one who noticed Clarke's behaviour; her entire focus was on the boy on the other end of the radio. It seemed to Lexa that the only reason Clarke could bear to hand the radio over to Raven is because now she had a new mission to distract Mount Weather from Bellamy's presence. A mission to keep Bellamy safe. Nothing else may have been able to tear her away.

The day Lexa decides that she is violently sick of hearing Bellamy Blake's name is the day she tries to get Octavia Blake killed. Like she tells Clarke, it was nothing personal, but the secret of Tondc must be kept. Clarke is nothing short of valiant as she protects Octavia, who was much loved by Clarke as one of her people, but it was more than that. Clarke was protecting her for Bellamy. Always Bellamy. She went as far as threatening Lexa with exposing their part in the disaster at Tondc, the _only_ threat she had left. That is when Lexa sees that Bellamy's not being there is even worse than his presence. Clarke's every waking thought was consumed by him. He is very much present in every move she makes, every reason she fights and the cracks between every word she never says. Lexa finally recognizes her displeasure for what it is; jealousy.

She wants Clarke to understand the things _she_ says with just a fleeting look. She wants Clarke to cling to _her_ when she is desperate and lost. She wants to be the one Clarke smiles at just at the sound of _her_ voice. She wants to be the one keeping Clarke awake at night with worry. She wants to consume Clarke the way Bellamy has and she wants to see what it looks like when Clarke Griffin is in love with _her_.

The day Lexa finally acts on her feelings for Clarke is the day they share their first kiss. Clarke's lips are soft, _willing_, against her own and Lexa thinks for just a moment that if love is weakness, perhaps it is something worth being weak for. Then Clarke pulls away and before a single word falls from her lips, Lexa feels Bellamy's presence stand between them like a wall, the elephant in the room.

"I'm sorry," Clarke breathes. It is the hesitance before her next words that Lexa notices, rather than the words themselves. "I'm not ready. To be with anyone."

"So this has nothing to do with Bellamy." Lexa says it like a statement instead of a question.

"Bellamy?" Clarke asks, puzzled. "Why would this…"

And in Clarke's genuine puzzlement, Lexa sees not the kind untruth that people spout to spare feelings, but the cruel and painful lie that one can only tell to themselves. For goodness sake, how long had Clarke been so attached to Bellamy without even realizing it?

Lexa could barely complete the thought before it seems like Bellamy himself interrupts; the people at Camp Jaha sending a flare that indicated his success at disabling the acid fog that the Mountain Men used to keep the Tree People away. It was as though he was justifying himself from afar as worthy of being Clarke's choice; no matter how much she thought she wasn't ready and whether or not she knew that she was halfway in love with him already.

"Bellamy did it," Clarke breathes. She is happy, but not at all surprised.

"You were right to have faith in him," Lexa replies. The words burn their way out of her mouth, but only because they are true. Clarke's faith in Bellamy Blake wasn't blind, nor was it misplaced. He had earned that faith, every blood, sweat and tear covered inch of it.

If Clarke notices how Lexa seems almost melancholic as she concedes this, she says nothing.

The battle that Lexa promises her people never comes to pass. The people that the Mountain Men abducted are returned and Lexa leaves Clarke standing alone outside Mount Weather, saying her goodbye with the phrase her people use.

May we meet again.

As the Tree People march to their homes, Lexa thinks about Clarke. She wonders if Clarke will see her actions as that of a leader or a traitor. As much as Clarke would hate to think that of herself, she would have done the same if it meant her own people would be safe. Then, as Lexa's thoughts were suddenly prone to drifting to Bellamy when she thought about Clarke, she wondered if he was still alive. If the Mountain Men captured Bellamy, Lexa was sure Clarke would stop at nothing to ensure his safety. She was concerned for the safety of all her people, but Bellamy was someone she couldn't lose.

Lexa appears at the tunnel entrance just in time to see Octavia stopping Clarke from shooting the door panel open. Clarke seems to be struggling to contain herself. Octavia looks surprised as Lexa jogs into view.

"Commander?" Octavia says, her voice cold. "What are you doing here?"

Clarke barely spares her a glance before turning to pace in front of the door, cradling her gun in her hands.

"Just because I won't let my people die when our goal is reached does not mean I cannot offer my own help," Lexa explains. "But no one will hear of this."

"No one will hear of anything unless we get inside the damn mountain!" Clarke growls desperately.

"And your plan is to shoot that door open?" Octavia asks in angry disbelief. "And then what? Bellamy is counting on you, everyone is counting on _you_!"

"Well what do you want from me?" Clarke cries.

"You trusted _her_," Octavia snarls, gesturing at Lexa, who glares back. "You had a bomb dropped on Tondc, you let all those people die…"

"I am doing the best I can!" Clarke yells right back.

"It's not good enough," Octavia manages to bite out just before the door releases a beep.

In an instant Clarke, Octavia and Lexa are ready to attack, but it turns out to be unnecessary.

"Bellamy!" Octavia says at his appearance, half with relief and half in reproach, hugging him tightly.

When Lexa pictured Bellamy and Clarke's reunion, she always thought they would rush and cling to each other desperately, filled with joy. But the way Bellamy drinks in the sight of Clarke standing in front of him as he hugs his sister and the way Clarke looks, no, _gazes_ at him with such naked relief on her whole face at the sight of him makes Lexa feel like she was intruding on a moment far more intimate than strangers should be allowed to witness. The weight on Clarke's shoulders lifts as Bellamy arrives to take his share of that weight. Suddenly even she can see every unspoken word that passes between them.

_You're safe._

_Thank goodness you're here._

_I need you._

_Help me._

_I don't know what to do._

She averts her eyes as Octavia releases Bellamy and he rushes towards Clarke, not wanting to see anything more come to pass between them. She decides that she hasn't met anyone as thoroughly spoken for as Clarke Griffin.

She eventually does have to watch as they pull a lever that condemns the life of every man, woman and child in Mount Weather. Even in acts that will haunt them forever, they do it the way they always do.

Together.

Clarke spares Lexa a nod after pulling away from Monty's hug as her people are returned to Camp Jaha. She watches as Bellamy approaches Clarke, the signature foot of space between them. She's too far away to eavesdrop and too curious to stop staring, so she watches as the pain and indecision on Clarke's face causes Bellamy to sway in place, as though yearning to touch her, to hold her. When Clarke presses a kiss to his cheek and hugs him to her tight, and Bellamy clutches her like he doesn't want to let go, Lexa finally understands.

Clarke is saying goodbye.

The pain on their faces is identical as Clarke walks away from Bellamy. Lexa is surprised. She expects Bellamy to put up more of a fight. She expects Bellamy to win the fight and convince her to stay. After all, he needs her as much as she needs him. As leaders it was in both their interests to stick together. If it was Lexa, she herself would never have let Clarke go.

Then she realizes that Bellamy is nothing like her. If Bellamy could convince Clarke to let him go to Mount Weather, he could have convinced her to stay if he wanted to. But he didn't because he knew Clarke better than Lexa ever had; he knew she needed this. And so, he was letting her go.

That is when Lexa realizes that Bellamy was better for Clarke than she ever could hope to be. Not only did he know and love her, but he loved her with the selfless and giving love of a man, not the frantic, needy love of a boy. It was only a man in love who could have the strength to watch the woman he loved walk away from him and cling to his faith of her return.

Lexa is sure that Bellamy's whisper of "May we meet again" will echo in Clarke's ears until she returns. Not Lexa's.

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